Inner child work involves recognizing and nurturing aspects of ourselves that have been hiding out since childhood. Our inner child is that part of us that is still affected by events, emotions, and beliefs formed during our early years. Unresolved issues like neglect, abuse, or unmet needs can manifest in adulthood as emotional triggers, self-sabotage, perfectionism, addiction, and so on. In psychotherapy, the inner child is also considered to be that part of us that is spontaneous, curious, and playful.
Some people squirm when they hear the expressions “inner child” or “inner child work.” But as one of my mentors, who has been a psychotherapist for 45 years, told me, “It’s all inner child work.” Having said that, sometimes we address more directly the needs of the inner child— or if you prefer, the younger, more vulnerable, creative, and tender parts of ourselves. There are people in this world who had their needs met in childhood, who had what we call “good enough” parenting, and who made it through childhood without trauma or major loss. Many of us, however, have a more complicated relationship with our inner child, ranging from some level of distrust to outright hatred of that younger self, especially where there has been abuse or neglect. Why? Because children tend to blame themselves for what happens to them.
Confronting Embarrassment and Shame
The goal of inner child work is not to become a child again, of course, but rather to integrate the younger aspects of our personalities into our adult selves. The inner child can be thought of as the part of you that is creative, curious, and loves to play. Difficulties arise when that child part has been thwarted somehow. If you sometimes feel shame or embarrassment when being creative or showing your more playful or loving side, it could be that your inner child has learned that it is not safe to express who you really are and what you care about. Your inner child might have concluded that it is dangerous to be spontaneous, and that it is too much to expect to be welcomed, heard, and valued.
Many emotional struggles faced in adulthood—such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or relationship difficulties—can be traced back to childhood experiences. Often people think “I should be over that by now,” but emotional experiences do not obey the laws of time. We can be well-functioning adults with fulfilling careers and relationships, and suddenly something sends us back to a place of pain or fear. When this happens, we know we are facing something old, in fact perhaps so old that we have no conscious or verbal memory of it. With inner child work, we come to understand what happened to us, that it wasn’t our fault, and that we are not broken because of it.
How Inner Child Work Helps with Depression, Anxiety, and Complex Trauma
- Healing past wounds: When we address unresolved trauma or other pain, we are giving our inner child a chance to be listened to at last. Often, children’s fears and sadness go unaddressed because their caregivers are either unaware of what the child is experiencing, or they are ill-equipped to deal with it. Unfortunately, we can then hold on to that pain for decades.
- Increasing self-awareness: This happens when we realize how the past is shaping the present. Sometimes it can seems as if the adult self is not the one making the decisions. When we integrate the inner child, we can make decisions that are more in line with our values and that are ultimately healthier and more self-supportive.
- Fostering self-compassion: Imagine feeling unconditional kindness toward yourself. Sometimes we have negative feelings toward our inner child, and when we realize that these self-evaluations are borrowed from others or are somehow made up, we can begin the process of letting them go.
- Forming healthier relationships: Children can be easily confused about what makes a healthy relationship, since children have no choice in the matter. However, when we grow up, we have the freedom to choose with whom we spend time, and we can learn how to relate to others in healthy ways. When we ask ourselves some version of this question: “Why do I keep…?” it is likely a younger part of our personality that is making the decisions.
Inner Child Work Techniques: Examples
Often, inner child work looks like regular talk therapy. However, at times certain techniques can be used to address the inner child’s needs more directly:
- Visualization and guided imagery: Recalling childhood memories to reconnect with the inner child is done thoughtfully and slowly. The goal is to heal the relationship with this younger you. This can overlap or dovetail with EMDR and EMDR-related approaches, all very gentle and affirming. This could also look like bringing in a photo of yourself as a child and talking about it.
- Letter writing: This is a time-honored therapy tool: writing letters we are almost certainly not going to send, but that give voice to something in us that never had a chance to speak.
- Dialogue exercises: Engaging in imagined conversations to validate feelings and needs, role-play, empty chair technique. This type of healing exercise is limited only by the imagination. This approach can be good for people who prefer not to write, or don’t find writing helpful. Your therapy should be co-created by you and informed by your own needs, preferences, and self-knowledge.
- Art and play therapy: We can use creative expression to access and express repressed feelings. Again, this is limited only by the imagination. In my office, there are basic art supplies, as well as an entire sand tray therapy room, which is a wonderful place to give the inner child freedom of expression.
Final Thoughts
Inner child work is a powerful approach for healing emotional wounds rooted in childhood. By revisiting and nurturing vulnerable parts of ourselves, we adults can cultivate greater self-understanding, compassion, and emotional well-being. Then life becomes play. Even in the most important and weighty adult situations, our healthy inner child is there to remind us not to take life or ourselves too seriously.
Inner Child Work Book Recommendation: Reconciliation, by Thich Nhat Hanh