If you are in a couple bubble, you don’t doubt that you are #1 in your partner’s life. And your partner is #1 in your life. End stop. No questions asked. No ifs, ands, or buts. That’s right: not even the kids. Not even the dog. You are #1. Top priority.
Your person has your back, and you have theirs. Your partner is the first person you talk to about important things. They do not hear about it from someone else. The couple bubble is private and privileged.
In the couple bubble, you protect one another in public and in private. You break your partner’s fall, and they do the same for you. That awkward moment at a party? Your partner stands by you and makes it lighter. You get to be imperfect in a couple bubble. You are no longer auditioning for the part; rather, you have been cast. You’ve got the role. Now you can relax and trust.
Sometimes when I see people in a relationship without a couple bubble, I notice a defensiveness. It’s as if each person is protecting themselves not only from the world, but from their partner. They have not yet established fundamental trust. The relationship is still complicated and confusing. And exhausting.
One key component of the couple bubble is that each partner protects the other from their own unskillful behavior. Everyone messes up from time to time, and if there’s a couple bubble, repair happens quickly. You are in it together; what hurts one hurts the other. So if you have a couple bubble, you do your work. You reflect and introspect to understand your own reactions, and don’t blame your old wounds on your current partner.
Do you and your partner have a couple bubble? If you’re not sure yet, here are a few questions to help clarify (generally speaking, if you are in a couple bubble, you would answer “no” to the following):
Do you and your partner demean one another in front of others?
Do you share things that matter to you with someone other than your partner, before discussing it with your partner?
Do you worry when your partner goes out with friends?
Do you sometimes flirt with the idea of stepping outside of the relationship?
Do you make important decisions on your own, such as career moves or purchasing a car?
Do you let others (think family here) define your relationship?
Sometimes people have a couple bubble, and then they do not. Something happens that bursts the bubble. This can be repaired. This does not have to be the end of the relationship. Much of couples therapy consists of re-establishing the couple bubble. What you once had naturally, when things were easy, has disappeared and you wonder if you can get it back. This is possible, yes. In fact, sometimes the re-established couple bubble is stronger than the previous iteration. It is more intentional. You’ve worked for it this time, so you are less likely to take it, or your partner, for granted.