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Our first class in counseling school was all about yoga and other mind/body practices. 

There is good reason for this.

Many mental health concerns are bi-directional in nature.

What does this mean?

Here’s an example:

If we are sedentary for a significant period of time, we might experience depressive symptoms, even if we are not clinically depressed. We might feel down, blue, lethargic, unmotivated. Now for the other direction: If I am already depressed, I might not move much. I might become sedentary, which does nothing to help with my depression.

Another way to think of it: 

Move anyway!

Your Future Self Will Thank You

As we work toward healing depression and anxiety, it’s best to address physical health concerns. It’s wise to take action in our lives in whatever way we are able. We don’t wait to be depression-free before acting. It’s hard, I know. And for some of us, it is extremely difficult. With support and determination, it can be done. Your future self will thank you. When some of the depression lifts, or the anxiety subsides, you will have that degree, that job, that level of physical wellbeing that you can be happy with. Getting up and moving is the first step toward wellness.

If you aren’t ready to go out and take a class, you might find some wonderful teachers online. We can go over simple poses in session as well; this is where my background as a movement teacher can come in handy. 

It’s o.k. to keep it simple at first. Set a timer for 5 minutes, and make some pleasurable movements, do some gentle stretching. Think about how a cat moves, how it stretches for the sheer pleasure of it. If you aren’t sure what is safe for your body, you might be in a position to work with a trainer, or again you are welcome to bring your concerns and questions to session. 

A Simple Movement to Lift Your Mood

Here’s a simple suggestion you can try right now (Be sure to make the movements as big or small as you think they should be based on your comfortable range of motion):

1) Stand up! Or sit up a bit straighter. (Doesn’t that already feel good? You are making room for your breath.)

2) Reach your arms downward, then breathe in as you sweep them out and up until your hands meet overhead.

3) Breathe out as you draw your hands down to your chest.

4) Take a nice deep breath, and let it go.

5) Place your hands one on top of the other over your heart, and take another deep breath in.

Let it all go. Pause. Breathe.

Rinse, repeat. 

Maybe 3 times. 

Pro tip: It’s also o.k. to just breathe when you breathe. Let it be natural and comfortable.

See what feels good. Listen to your body. And if you aren’t able to connect with that concept right now, let’s discuss that in session. There’s a wonderful practice of “interoception” which has to do with observing what is happening inside the body, and this is a skill that can be cultivated. Now that you’ve finished reading this, I hope you’ll be motivated to move a bit. Take a short walk, or a deep breath. Namaste!

When a loved one disappears

Grief met me in the waiting room of my dentist’s office one morning a few years ago, when a woman sat down in the chair next to mine. This surprised me, because we were the only two people in the large waiting area. I noticed her looking at me, and as soon as I caught her eye she started in on a story about her nephew, who had gone out hiking and never came back.

She was upset, obsessed, bereft. She told me she could not rest, and she felt no peace. She handed me a flyer with a photo of the young man, who had been missing for months. Later that day I did an Internet search and found articles about his ill-fated hike. I thought of his aunt and her raw pain, and how she was consumed with the idea—the hope— of finding him.

This type of loss can take over our lives, leaving us with a sense of dread and pervasive sadness. When someone we love disappears, we may fear additional losses. It becomes painfully clear that we have limited control, limited power to keep our loved ones close, or to keep them safe. 

Ambiguous loss offers no closure. We are left brokenhearted and confused. Ambiguous loss is open-ended, so it is hard to imagine relief. Others around us get on with their lives, move on, forget. But we aren’t sure what to do; do we grieve even though the person might come back? 

Subtle losses, lonely grieving

Ambiguous loss is not always as dramatic or easily spotted as in the example above. Especially if it occurred early in life, we might not identify a loss as such. In the case of adoption, for example, or the loss of a twin in utero, we know or suspect that something is missing, but we might not know what. Sometimes parents quietly divorce, without explaining the process to their children.

Ambiguous loss sometimes manifests as a change that we can’t quite put our finger on. The quiet movement of aging, a growing distance in a relationship, a dwindling interest in something that used to light up our mind. We may experience a slow, barely perceptible change in identity, sexuality, health, cognitive ability, or values. We come to realize that we have lost interest in our religion, or that an important friendship is fading. Or is it? When precisely did this occur, and how?

Filling the void when grief takes over

Living with ambiguity can be isolating. We might feel we are looking at others through a pane of glass. We might not be able to find joy in family gatherings, soccer matches, or a great movie. A fog of dissociation sets in, a sense of alienation from life, from others. There is a tendency to look for “signs,” to expend enormous amounts of energy longing, searching, and fantasizing. Visits to astrologers, mediums, psychics of all stripes may ensue. A profound creativity can develop, as well as unexpected proclivities for perception beyond the norm: heightened intuition and even telepathy, and prescient dreams and visions. What seem like mystical experiences or a preternatural talent for reaching deep meditative states may actually be the result of a lack of containment and groundedness. Part of the mind is “out there,” always searching. Under this spell of longing for the missing, one is never quite present. 

Life does go on, in spite of the loneliness and constant heartache. Therapy can help, because it provides a place of non-judgment where the therapist listens and holds space and is sad with you, but is not overwhelmed by your sadness. The guilt and shame that can accompany ambiguous loss can be processed in therapy. Little by little a sense of being real returns, the fantasies calm down, and the bare agony of loss is faced. The grief remains, but we cultivate the strength to live with the terrible reality that what is missing may never be found, or regained. Yet somehow (call it the human spirit!) it is possible to find oneself and to feel whole once again. 

The peace of a secure-functioning couples relationship

If you are in a couple bubble, you don’t doubt that you are #1 in your partner’s life. And your partner is #1 in your life. End stop. No questions asked. No ifs, ands, or buts. That’s right: not even the kids. Not even the dog. You are #1. Top priority. 

Your person has your back, and you have theirs. Your partner is the first person you talk to about important things. They do not hear about it from someone else. The couple bubble is private and privileged. 

In the couple bubble, you protect one another in public and in private. You break your partner’s fall, and they do the same for you. That awkward moment at a party? Your partner stands by you and makes it lighter. You get to be imperfect in a couple bubble. You are no longer auditioning for the part; rather, you have been cast. You’ve got the role. Now you can relax and trust.

Sometimes when I see people in a relationship without a couple bubble, I notice a defensiveness. It’s as if each person is protecting themselves not only from the world, but from their partner. They have not yet established fundamental trust. The relationship is still complicated and confusing. And exhausting.

One key component of the couple bubble is that each partner protects the other from their own unskillful behavior. Everyone messes up from time to time, and if there’s a couple bubble, repair happens quickly. You are in it together; what hurts one hurts the other. So if you have a couple bubble, you do your work. You reflect and introspect to understand your own reactions, and don’t blame your old wounds on your current partner. 

How to know if your relationship has a couple bubble:

Do you and your partner have a couple bubble? If you’re not sure yet, here are a few questions to help clarify (generally speaking, if you are in a couple bubble, you would answer “no” to the following): 

Do you and your partner demean one another in front of others? 

Do you share things that matter to you with someone other than your partner, before discussing it with your partner? 

Do you worry when your partner goes out with friends? 

Do you sometimes flirt with the idea of stepping outside of the relationship? 

Do you make important decisions on your own, such as career moves or purchasing a car?

Do you let others (think family here) define your relationship?

Sometimes people have a couple bubble, and then they do not. Something happens that bursts the bubble. This can be repaired. This does not have to be the end of the relationship.  Much of couples therapy consists of re-establishing the couple bubble. What you once had naturally, when things were easy, has disappeared and you wonder if you can get it back. This is possible, yes. In fact, sometimes the re-established couple bubble is stronger than the previous iteration. It is more intentional. You’ve worked for it this time, so you are less likely to take it, or your partner, for granted. 

Sand tray therapy is a form of active imagination that can help us access and express material that may not be amenable to cognitive, verbal approaches. This type of therapy was developed in the 1950’s by Dora Kalff, a Jungian-oriented therapist, and is now used all over the world by people of all ages. 

Continue reading “Sand Tray Therapy for Adults with Depression, Anxiety, Trauma/PTSD, and Grief”

EMDR Therapy: Making Space for Something New

I used to be skeptical of EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It seemed too good to be true. I thought maybe it was a fad. Then I tried it myself. Not only is there a ton of research behind EMDR, but the proof is in the pudding. EMDR helped me calm my nervous system and put a terrifying incident in its place: in the past, as a memory— instead of as something that felt current. Once my skepticism was at bay, I could continue to learn about EMDR and how to use it to help clients with a wide variety of problems. 

Continue reading “EMDR Therapy: a Holistic Therapy for Transformation”

Inner child work involves recognizing and nurturing aspects of ourselves that have been hiding out since childhood. Our inner child is that part of us that is still affected by events, emotions, and beliefs formed during our early years. Unresolved issues like neglect, abuse, or unmet needs can manifest in adulthood as emotional triggers, self-sabotage, perfectionism, addiction, and so on. In psychotherapy, the inner child is also considered to be that part of us that is spontaneous, curious, and playful.

Continue reading “Inner Child Work in Adult Psychotherapy”